Bat Outta Hell
by BuzzCat
Summary: See Author's Note for explanation on title. MMAD pairing, friendship!MMSS. R&R! Flames are welcome. Cookies to flamers! Fudge to praisers!


_(A/N: I was under the influence of Meatloaf (the band, not the food) when I wrote this. Don't kill me and don't ask. Reviews= Personalized [virtual] Weasley sweaters and [virtual] fudge. No, not the idiot who used to be Minister. Lots of love you all!)_

Minerva sank down into her office chair as her door closed. It had been a particularly long and awful day. Not that her days were always awful. Normally they were fairly enjoyable, but today had been one for the record. Minerva sighed, and was too tired to even call a house elf for a cup of tea. A light tapping was heard at her window. Minerva looked over, and there was a tawny owl there. She muttered a spell under her breath, and the window opened. The owl fluttered over, deposited its letter, and flew back out. Minerva murmured another spell, and the envelope opened. With a simple "Accio," the letter zoomed to her open hand. She read it, and smiled at its appropriateness. It was from her son-in-law. It read:

Mom,

Caity's water broke, so you'll be a grandmother (again) within the week. Call a friend and get totally shit-faced. You know the tradition. Actually, I quite surprised I haven't been killed yet, considering how well you must know the tradition. Don't take that as advice, though.

Love,

David

Minerva smiled humorlessly, and summoned the amaretto she had kept on hand recently. After her day, she definitely deserved a drink. She summoned a decently-sized glass, pouring a generous amount. She raised it and toasted to the air, "May the little girl have her grandmother's looks."

She downed the entire glass in a single gulp and poured some more. Just then, Severus knocked on the door.

Minerva shouted out, "It's unlocked!"

He came in, and was surprised to find her slouched in her chair, a full glass in her that was quickly emptied again. He asked in shock, "Oh God. What happened?"

Minerva grinned and waved her hand around. A little of the liquor sloshed out. She said, "My daughter's having another kid. It's tradition. Care to join me?"

Severus was sorely tempted. The scent of the amaretto was intoxicating enough, forget about drinking it. Severus's feet moved forward of their own accord and he accepted a glass. He downed it, and just about died from coughing so much afterward.

Minerva laughed and said, "Oh c'mon now. Even my husband could do better."

Severus's eyebrows shot up into his greasy hair. He said, "You're married? When did this happen?"

Minerva swallowed another glass and said, "I've been happily married for the past 26 years."

Severus's jaw dropped as he accepted another goblet of alcohol, this time whiskey. He took it in his hand, but didn't drink it. He wanted to be able to remember this. Minerva dropped the ultimatum as she replied in a slurred voice,

"Albus Percival Wulferic Brian Dumbledore. Until he died last month, of course." Minerva downed another glass, and promptly collapsed in her chair. Her eyes slammed shut, and her glass rolled out of her hand, spilling liquor across the table. Severus leapt up and tried to bring her too. He whispered then shouted, "Come on Minerva. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. WAKE UP GODDAMN IT!"

Minerva shifted slightly in her chair and murmured, "Albus…"

Severus groaned and said, "Oh god."

He picked her up and carried her bride-style down to the hospital wing. Minerva was mildly responsive, but he wanted to be sure she was okay. He burst into the Hospital Wing, taking Poppy Pomfrey by surprise. She had been checking over a recovering Ravenclaw, but rushed to be sure Minerva was okay. Poppy helped Severus ease Minerva onto the bed, taking care not to bump her head on the bedside cabinet.

Minerva mumbled, "Albus… stop it…"

Poppy looked down at her friend, a mixture of fear, pity, and worry in her eyes. Poppy took Severus into her office and asked, "What happened?"

Most people would have assumed that Severus had poisoned Minerva, but Poppy knew better than that. Severus took a deep breath and said, "I walked in, and she said that it was tradition whenever her daughter had a kid that Minerva would get drunk. But I think that the loss of Albus hit her harder than she would have us believe. She couldn't have been drinking very long when I got there. I could still see the owl that had brought the news. I don't think I've ever seen anyone that drunk in such a short amount of time."

Poppy nodded thoughtfully and said, "Well, by the sound of it she might have been going a little slower than I thought."

Severus's eyebrows shot up into his hair again, and there was a very real possibility that they would never be seen again. Poppy smiled wearily and said, "Yeah, back in our school days, she could have taken all that in about twenty seconds. And still be conscious."

Severus nodded and asked urgently, "But will she be alright? Is there any lasting damage?"

Poppy smiled again at his concern and said, "Yes Severus, she'll be alright, well, aside from the nastiest hangover known to mankind. But thank you for bringing her to me." Severus nodded. He sighed as he looked down at Minerva, and walked out.

THE NEXT MORNING…

Minerva woke up, and instantly wished she hadn't. There was minimal lighting in the room, but it still hurt Minerva's eyes like someone was drilling screwdrivers from the inside of her skull out.

She put her hands over her eyes and muttered, "Hangover."

Her entire body was permeated with a terrible aching from the very marrow of her bones. A soft hand was on her shoulder and she heard Poppy say, "Here, it's a hangover potion."

Minerva snatched it and downed it. Almost instantly, the haziness and pain went away. Her few memories from the night before came rushing back to her and Minerva groaned and flopped back down onto her bed. She flushed and said, "Shit."

Poppy nodded and swore for the first time in her life, "Shit indeed."

Minerva looked at her friend startled and said, "Since when did you say that?"

Poppy shrugged and said, "Why do you think this is shit?"

Minerva shrugged and said, "Severus knows that I am—or was—married to Albus."

Poppy shook her head and said, "No, that isn't the worst. Now he loves you too. His face when he looked at you passed out…" Poppy sighed, "It was like something out of a romance novel."

Minerva groaned and said, "Dear God no."

Poppy laughed and said, "You got that right. I was kidding. I was curious if you'd go for it."

Minerva rolled her eyes and said, "You thought I liked him, didn't you?"

Poppy shrugged again. Minerva groaned again and said, "He's like my kid brother. That's just gross."

Poppy shrugged yet again. Minerva frowned and said, "I didn't say anything in my sleep did I?"

Poppy nodded, "You mumbled something about wanting Albus to stop. Why?"

Minerva blushed and said, "Oh, no particular reason."

Rolanda burst out of the nearest cupboard and said, "Oh Minnie! You naughty girl you."

Minerva rolled her eyes and left for her classroom. As soon as she left the Wing, Severus fell into step next to her. He grinned when she groaned again, and asked, "C'mon, it wasn't that bad was it?"

Minerva frowned and said, "What wasn't that bad? Is there something I'm not remembering?"

Severus frowned to match hers and said, "Didn't Rolanda tell you?"

Min shook her head. Severus shrugged and said, "Huh. I thought she would have told you. We've been married for a few years."

Minerva stopped walking and stared at him. Severus turned around and grinned. Min laughed happily and said, "Oh, the blackmail."

She rubbed her hands together happily and raced off to wherever she went to do her evil scheming.


End file.
